July 8, 2013
Midnight: Wake up because he’s crying, run to pee before picking him up (feel massively guilty), feed Andrew, rock him back to sleep, pump more milk. Lay back down on the chair in the living room because the pain from my incision won’t let me stretch out in the bed. Turn on Psych on Netflix for some background noise. Fall asleep about 10 minutes into the episode.
2:30 am: Wake up because he’s crying, feed him, change his diaper by the light of the wipes warmer, pee without feeling massively guilty, pump more milk, set up the next bottle, clean the pump pieces.
4:22 am: Wake up because he’s crying (this is NOT a fun way to wake up, but he’s not quite on a schedule yet so even when I try to wake up before him it doesn’t work – I end up falling asleep waiting for him to wake up and the circle begins again!) feed and rock him back to sleep, crawl back to chair.
7:00 am: Wake up to crying, run to pee (guilt, guilt, guilt) get Baby A up out of crib and bounce into living room with good morning snuggles – try for an actual smile, not just a gas smile… live with disappointment. Feed A, change a diaper that must weigh at least 1/3 of his total body weight, settle him into his Boppy and watch him stare at the ceiling for a while. Pump. Consider changing my name to Bessie. Listen to Dork Dad in the shower and wonder what the hell you’d have to do to make him produce milk. Set up next bottle, clean pump accessories, make coffee, make breakfast – all the while keeping up a one sided conversation with A to help enhance his verbal skills. Put him down for a nap around 9:30 am and hop in the shower.
9:40 am he starts to wake up
9:45 am crying get dangerously close to wails so you dry off and get dressed in the living room next to the Pack and Play so that you can continuously insert the pacifier into his mouth as he spits it out and screams because he can’t find it again.
10:00 am – give up on hair and teeth, grateful to be somewhat dry and clothed you feed A, change his diaper, give him his thrush medicine and set him across your legs for tummy time. He is SO STRONG! Already picking up his head and flopping it all around. By 10:30 am he’s ready for a nap so you put him down, pump, set up the next bottle and dose of medicine, clean the pump accessories, load the dishwasher and turn it on, send a couple of emails for work, make a batch of juice with the juicer, clean the juicer, have a snack.
12:30pm: pump, save the milk, clean the accessories.
1:30 pm: feed A, give him his medicine, play until his eyes start to close, put him down, do more emails, check Facebook, finish the pasta sauce and cook the pasta. Unload the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, clean the kitchen, eat the pasta.
3:20 pm: pump milk, set up the next bottle and dose of medicine, consider having your third mini Kit Kat of the day, decide to try and be strong, start writing this blog.
What is the point of all this? Well, next week is our friend John’s birthday. He’ll be celebrating with a dinner at a restaurant that I like and DD wants us to go. I’d rather not. I like John. I want him to have a wonderful birthday. I love DD. I want to spend time with him.
If I am going to throw off my schedule it is going to be for a massage or a mani/pedi. It will be for a girl’s brunch with friends I haven’t seen in a while or shopping with my sister. What I would really, REALLY love to do? Have a fun lunch date and then see Despicable Me 2 with Dork Dad – just sit in a theatre and laugh together. I want DAYTIME fun, so that when I inevitably have to get up at midnight to the dulcet tones of a crying A I will be back in the groove of my household at least a little bit.
There’s really no nice way of explaining that John’s birthday just isn’t a big enough deal for me to want to go. I won’t have enough fun to make up for the crap I’ll have to deal with. So this is what will happen – We’ll go. I am going to want to leave before DD does. He’s going to be nice and bring me home. Even if we magically manage to stay within the two hour feeding schedule I will still feel thrown off because I will be out of my rhythm.
Everyone thinks I just don’t want to leave my sweet baby boy and yes, that is part of it, but mostly I feel like if I’m going to leave him then it had better be for something that is WORTH IT and right now a dinner with DD’s friends just isn’t it.
Possibly I’ll tell Dork Dad the truth – that I’m just not interested in going – and live with the fact that I’ll have hurt his feelings. Or maybe I’ll –
Gotta go – A’s awake!
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