After that things get a little hazy for me. I can trip myself up with the what ifs and all the issues I have with various churches, dogmas and doctrines. Still, I jealous of those who have faith; of those who have the kind of faith that sustains you in dark times. I wish I had that.
The Rollover Royal will be baptized in my church on Sunday. I was baptized there, as was my dad and my grandfather. My family has a deep history with the church and the church itself has a pretty great history too.
After the service we’ll go to one of the rental houses that I manage and EAT. This is the South. At times of occasion we EAT in capital letters. Mimosas, fresh fruit punch, fruit plate, a veggie plate, a cheese tray, a deli tray, shrimp potato salad and cake. I’ve actually second guessed myself a couple times this week as to whether or not that will be enough for thirty people.
I’ve been second guessing myself a lot lately. Apparently this just means that I’m a mom. At least that’s what I’m told and yet…
Is it right for me to stop pumping?
Are we starting him on formula too soon?
Is he not laughing yet because of something I did?
Should I be working?
Should we hire Kelly to babysit because she has more experience with infants or Emily because I just like her better?
Is exercise enough to help with my PPD/A or should I be upping my meds?
Should I really have gone ‘public’ with this blog?
If there is any question in my life that has at least two sides (ha!) I just CANNOT seem to come to a decision.
My faith in myself, in my mommyness, which was never all that strong to begin with, has completely fled. (Were there too many commas in that sentence?)
While faith may have deserted me for the moment I still have hope. I hope that whatever decisions I do end up making will be the best one for me and my family. I hope that I am getting some of this right. I hope that sharing everything like this will help my family and friends understand the things I cannot articulate to them. And I hope that this helps someone, somewhere, somehow.
My journey in faith started 34 years ago at my own baptism and I have hope that tomorrow, as I help my son begin his own journey in faith that I might find some for myself as well.