My life lately has been trying to teach me one lesson over and over: I am NOT in charge. For a control freak with a mile wide stubborn streak this can be a bitter pill to swallow. On Saturday my body got in on the act.
Poppy and Grammy (the almost in-laws) were here for a week. I was unsuccessful, yet again, in convincing them to just buy the house next door so they can take
care of me see the baby every day. Each time they come to visit I say that I’m going to rest more. It never happens. Dork Dad and I end up going out, or I stay up to hang out with them, or I cook for them or we all go out. A million things happen to keep me from catching up on the rest that I need. Mostly I just go into ‘hostess’ mode, which is unnecessary. It does, however, let me control things.
This time I was staying up later, drinking tons of coffee with Grammy (and some vodka too) and eating all kinds of holiday type food – read sugar and salt. What I didn’t do was rest, take my meds at the same time every day or drink enough water.
On Saturday my body rebelled. I was up with the Tiny Tyrant around 5, but by 10 am I was down. Dork Dad gave me water (and lit a scented candle in the bathroom…) and I slept until about noon. I rallied for lunch with my dad and the family, but ate too much and was smacked down by my stomach again. This time even harder. I was out from the time we got back from lunch until the next morning. All I could do was go from the bed to the bathroom and sip lukewarm water. I missed the last day and night with the in-laws and it sucked.
No, actually, I don’t ever learn.
Over and over again this happens to me. I don’t listen to my instincts, I don’t listen to my body, I don’t listen to my heart – I just plow ahead as if nothing matters but the sheer force of my will. Eventually I run into a brick wall called reality and end up sitting on the ground with tiny birdies and stars flying around my head wondering what the hell just happened.
Now, I’m not big on resolutions but a couple years ago I made a promise to myself that I would stop lying to me. That has been the most important promise that I’ve made thus far in my life. It is what led to my life changing massively – to finding love and to a beautiful son. When I lie to me things fall apart pretty quickly. Self destructive behavior tends to hurt – who knew???
So here’s the deal. I will once again remind myself that the only thing I can really control is me – and not even all of me… but I can control how I treat myself. I can keep trying, every day, to be honest with myself. And I can add that I will try, every day, to listen to myself. To my body and to my heart.
I don’t know about a resolution for the whole year, but for today I will try.
ps – I’m totally going to the gym at some point this year too…
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